Silently wafting to and fro
Silently crying from the depths of the soul
Silently pleading
Silently fading
Silently dying
Invisible to all, the ghost cries without tears.
Invisible to all, the ghost wanders the night.
Invisible to all, the ghost shatters and crumbles.
Invisible to all, the ghost gives up.
Long long ago all the pieces were in place... not complete, but in place, making a picture for all to see. These pieces in themselves do not a picture make. This special picture of pieces changes until its end. The Fates and life have pulled and tweaked, moving the pieces as time has moved on, changing the picture until no more.
People, places, things have taken pieces, to keep near their hearts, to rely upon, to use for their own picture without regard to the original picture or piece, to leave in the gutter drowning in the rain water. New pieces are far and few between... coming in with great joy or destruction. Each piece has its place and role in the master picture.
The most precious pieces are the pieces given with love to be cherished by another, to make the other complete. When a piece is given out of love it does not leave emptiness in its wake. Pieces given in love are the strongest, if poorly treated, the piece will not return to its place in the picture as it once was. Broken, torn, damaged it fits... but no longer shines. It changes the picture.
Pieces loved by another fill the space until it overflows to the other pieces. Melding, meshing, it becomes the glue that holds the picture together through its ever changing life. Through the storms and trials bestowed upon the piece by the Fates, the glue holds firm, though during the ice storms sometimes cracks and small chinks form until temperatures warm up to reseal the pieces together again. Binding, surrounding, protecting each piece is the lifeblood of the glue. It must not fail lest the pieces shatter forever, never to become the picture intended by the Fates. The pieces rely upon the strength of the glue to get them through the storms intact as a whole picture, not individual pieces to be picked up and put slowly back together until a new picture emerges.
Only the Fates know if the glue is strong enough to protect the pieces. To weather the storms, to fight for the pieces, to become a part of the picture forever.
SUPER MOM!!!! Oh how I wish I were a super mom like mine was and is. I dont know how she does it. Seriously. Growing up, every meal was made well and healthy and on time. The house was always clean, maybe a little messy thanks to us kids... but not even really that. And she always looked so good. Me on the other hand... yeh, no. There are always dishes in the sink and on the counter. Laundry in the baskets to be washed and to be folded. Meals.... NEVER on time... ever. But I try to healthy most days. I'll keep trying for super mom status though.
Today's accomplishments: Errands run with a toddler who needed a nap, front lawn mowed with a push mower (it was my exercise), store bought cookie dough baked. :) couple baskets of laundry folded.
As for mommyness... the toddler slept for 4 hours, the baby didn't. The toddler through up all over the couch... Its midnight and the toddler still wont sleep. He's in bed though. And I'm exhausted. But I really should do dishes.
Perhaps tomorrow.
Special note: Bug always pee's through Pamper's overnight diapers, but we ran out of Huggies overnights (which he pee's out of too when he has too much to drink) Anyways. I decided to put a feminine pad inside his diaper to see if that will keep him dry... update will come tomorrow.
Looking for a new place to live sucks. We can't afford to keep living here, but the cost of moving is absolutely rediculous. Grrrr. Hope to find a place soon.
And the super awesomeness of today: I was able to finish reading "Time Untime" by Sherrilyn Kenyon my all time favorite author. The book was great as usual!
UPDATE: The diaper trick.... not successful... but not unsuccessful. It kept the majority from soaking through, but the stupid top of the diaper that goes above where you fasten it soaked his pajama shirt. Grrrr.
I walk along my path, sometimes there are turns. Dips and potholes. Sometimes there are hills to climb leading to a beautiful vista. Always going on. Winding its way through life. Between trees, around lakes, next to gurgling streams but always leading on.
I may wish to sit and wait for someone to carry me, but I walk on. This is my choice. My choice isto be strong, to find out how strong I really am. To push on through the pain, to see what's on the other side of this hill. As I look up I see my soulmate just standing there waiting for me to reach out and take his hand. The promise of help and support shining through his blue eyes. My babies racing on ahead, busily exploring their world, learning and growing. My bestfriends are there too. All I had to do was look up and around me. I'm not alone on this path. For now our paths all walk side by side.
I wish to blame so many others, but the blame falls upon myself. As it should with every person. We all make choices and must live with them. The good, the bad and the oh wells. 6 years ago about at this time of year I got "I Choose" permanently inked into my skin on my wrist to remind myself, I can blame no one else. I must choose my attitude, my life. If I dont like it, I must take it upon myself to change it, or accept it.
Today I had a meltdown. Whether it be from post-partum depression, fibromyalgia, lack of help around the house, or an angry toddler pushing all his limits... it was my own choice to let it get the better of me. It all came crashing down... I no longer have anything nice. Things that started out nice are no longer nice. Be it husband getting made and throwing it, slamming it, etc'ing it. Toddler who doesn't know better or too many cats. The cats are my own fault. I can't say no to one in need. But really we have too many. I have no backbone though I need to tell some people to move theirs along. I just can't do it anymore. I dont wear stillettos, pencil skirts or paint my nails. I drive a beat up ford with over 200K on it. No AC, no cd player, nothing automatic, no damn trunk button.
Enough with that. I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to CHOOSE my path. I can't change my husband, I married him for who he is, not for what I want him to be. My son will grow up too soon. The cats... They're just being cats.
3 days of migraine, finally had my husband take me to the hospital for the Migraine Cocktail. I hate going. Its bright, there are a lot smells, people are loud, the beds suck. Two and Half Hours!!! But there wasn't much choice left for me. I'd gone though all my Imitrex, a lot of Vicodin and Phenegren. And husband went back to work today, no way I could take care of the boys without some serious help.
But I feel sooo much better! Yay. Actually got some minor cleaning done. Have to be super careful with how much I do, lest the migraines come back which they've been known to do.
Whatever they gave me in the cocktail also helped calm some of the Fibromyalgia that has been ultra flaring lately. To the point I dont want to be touched even gently. My husband was wiping baby spit up off me and it was all I could do not to cry.
Living with FM is horrible... living with FM and Migraines.... not fair. I so want to be super mom but my body just doesn't let me. Its really quite depressing... which is why I write. To get it all out. I've been living with both since I was 16, living with back pain since I was 13. One would think I'd be used to it by now. But no...
The best thing about children is that they don't yet know you're not good enough for everyone else.
Silently wafting to and fro
