Give up.

I give up.

I give into the pain tearing me apart from the inside out.

My heart has been ripped to shreds, stomped upon and scattered to the wind.

My love, my soul-mate, my heart's desire calls others 'sweetheart', tells them they are lovely.
Asks for pictures and cell phone numbers.
Tell them they are missed and longs to be close to them.

I no longer mean anything more than someone to cook and clean.
A nanny to our boys.

How can I mean so little so soon?

How will I go on?

Please stomp a little harder,
                   I can still breathe.

Crying doll

Tears fall unchecked.
Failure and hopelessness weigh heavy.
Oh to drink away my worries.
Struggling to keep my porcelain smile in place, glossy and streak free.

No choice but to follow my path, as if led by an invisible string.
I cannot choose any other, nor do I want to.
Slipping, falling, cannot get up.
Check the smile.

Praying that no one asks me.
Hoping no one will look in my eyes.
The light is fading.

Like a fire, it can be relit.
Can roar like a bonfire,
or simmer hot coals...

Hidden in the ashes, I'm still here.
Find me.
Save me.
Bring my spark back. You have the power.

In the middle

I'm somehow stuck in the middle.
I always have been.
Stuck between pretty and ugly, just average.
Stuck between smart and stupid, just average.
Stuck between happy and seriously depressed, just ho hum.

But because I'm in the middle I just want rage, but really I have nothing to rage about.
My life doesn't suck that badly.
I'm not completely ugly, I'm fairly good looking enough for having had two children and a miriad of health issues.
I'm not stupid, but not brilliant, just in the middle.
I'm not so depressed that I want to do anything stupid, but not happy enough to be happy.

What is wrong with me that I cannot just accept that I'm just me?
Be content with my flaws?
My inabilities?
The cookies will wait until next year.
The Christmas cards just get thrown away anyways.
Everyone knows I'm lying to them when I say I'm fine...

My wish box is empty... again... it always is.... Either my wish box has money in it and my marriage sucks or my wish box is empty and my marriage is living on alcohol. Its the only way.

The Wall

Banging my head against the wall.
Pounding my fists against the bricks.
My tears drop unchecked to the floor below.

         Harder I pound
               Harder I cry.

Mascara running down my cheeks
The wall grows stronger with every hit.

          Give up,  Give up
                 It whispers in my ear
                        You will always fail
                               Quit trying, you will fail

Scuff marks fron my sneakers on the wall
Pounding on the wall, my hands are raw,
Still I keep pounding.

         Pounding
             Crying
                  Screaming in silence

Occasional cracks form,
Hope springs quickly, stupidly
Cracks disappear back into itself.

       Why? I scream 
            What is wrong with me?
                   What do I have to do?

The wall does not hear, see or care.
It is solid, it is tended,
It has no reason to look outside itself
To the girl screaming on her knees


             I just want to be ENOUGH.
                    I just want to be ENOUGH to be respected.
                              I just want to be ENOUGH to be cared for.
                                          I just want to be ENOUGH to be loved.

                                                                     
                                                I just want to be enough.................

Choices

I wish to blame so many others, but the blame falls upon myself. As it should with every person. We all make choices and must live with them. The good, the bad and the oh wells. 6 years ago about at this time of year I got "I Choose" permanently inked into my skin on my wrist to remind myself, I can blame no one else. I must choose my attitude, my life. If I dont like it, I must take it upon myself to change it, or accept it.

Today I had a meltdown. Whether it be from post-partum depression, fibromyalgia, lack of help around the house, or an angry toddler pushing all his limits... it was my own choice to let it get the better of me. It all came crashing down... I no longer have anything nice. Things that started out nice are no longer nice. Be it husband getting made and throwing it, slamming it, etc'ing it. Toddler who doesn't know better or too many cats. The cats are my own fault. I can't say no to one in need. But really we have too many. I have no backbone though I need to tell some people to move theirs along. I just can't do it anymore. I dont wear stillettos, pencil skirts or paint my nails. I drive a beat up ford with over 200K on it. No AC, no cd player, nothing automatic, no damn trunk button.

Enough with that. I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to CHOOSE my path. I can't change my husband, I married him for who he is, not for what I want him to be. My son will grow up too soon. The cats... They're just being cats.

Migraines and Fibromyalgia

3 days of migraine, finally had my husband take me to the hospital for the Migraine Cocktail. I hate going. Its bright, there are a lot smells, people are loud, the beds suck. Two and Half Hours!!! But there wasn't much choice left for me. I'd gone though all my Imitrex, a lot of Vicodin and Phenegren. And husband went back to work today, no way I could take care of the boys without some serious help.

But I feel sooo much better! Yay. Actually got some minor cleaning done. Have to be super careful with how much I do, lest the migraines come back which they've been known to do.

Whatever they gave me in the cocktail also helped calm some of the Fibromyalgia that has been ultra flaring lately. To the point I dont want to be touched even gently. My husband was wiping baby spit up off me and it was all I could do not to cry.

Living with FM is horrible... living with FM and Migraines.... not fair. I so want to be super mom but my body just doesn't let me. Its really quite depressing... which is why I write. To get it all out. I've been living with both since I was 16, living with back pain since I was 13. One would think I'd be used to it by now. But no...

Children

The best thing about children is that they don't yet know you're not good enough for everyone else.

The Viking's Fight

   Treading water beneath a darkened sky. In the darkness, no land is visible though the Viking knows it's out there... somewhere. From the land, beautiful fireworks light up the sky. Using and pulling upon the strength of her ancestors coursing through the Viking's blood, treading to stray above the water to breath, to live, to see the fireworks. The water, living, pulling, sucking, dragging the Viking down into the depths.
   For a moment, lights shine upon the water. The Viking screaming and reaching out to be saved.
The boat ventures near but when seeing the Viking, turns and races back into the darkness not wishing to disturb its occupants. Loud music, laughter, feelings of anger and smell of alcohol soaked occupants from the boat fade away until just a fleeting memory for the Viking.
   Legs are aching, heart is breaking, the Viking's body screaming to give up to the water's pull. Another firework lights up the sky. Lasting only a moment in time, pouring strength into the Viking, giving reason to tread a bit longer. Always bits of hope and life showered in sparks across the darkness of the sky. Aiding the weary and broken. 
   Another day, perhaps more time will bring the boat around again. Longing for the land, the safety and security that it is rumored to bring.

Old Writings 6

Screaming. Pain. Darkness. Hideous whispers of self destruction. Desolation. Worthlessness. Ugliness. Looking in the mirror is a horrifying nightmare. Such ugliness. Imperfections. Disgusting.

I’m crying, I’m screaming…. Silence, nothing is really coming out.

This pen I hold is my outlet, yet so much more goes unsaid. What words are there for this lonely nightmare I live?

Just pain and darkness

I’m breaking. I’m dying, just not fast enough. Slowly Slowly giving into the spreading darkness that welcomes death.

Sleep, Oh how wonderful it would be to sleep… forever. Never to wake, never to dream. Just to float.

My soul is screaming for help. Where will it come from? Will it come? Do I really want it to come?

Living has become a chore. Haunted I’ve become, haunted my soul cries out in pain and desperation. Crying out to be saved. Who will mend my broken soul and spirit? Who cares enough to take the time? Who will help? Who will understand? Who will take my pain away? Who will put the glitter back in my eyes? Who can? If they can….. will they?

Broken… Crying…. Falling… Despair… Suffering….

Just let me go

                Let me go

                                I just want to go…. 

Old Writings 5

This painters canvas is flawed.

No painter will use it for anything of beauty. Just to be. No beautiful colors to radiate life. Just a blank flawed canvas. Used to try new colors or cleans one’s brush. It will never see great landscapes or a woman’s perfect curves. Just to be.

                Forgotten.

                                Thrown away.                  

                                                Twist just a little more and the pain will be no more.

Old Writings 4

From a cold dark world, I see a light no more than a pin prick but light nonetheless.

Reaching out, trying to grasp the hope the light brings with it, I cover the light with my hand. And it is gone.

Just that easy. Gone.

Slipping back into the darkness I let my hand slide away from the pin prick of hope.

Sitting in the darkness wishing the light would be tangible. Crying I stay in the darkness, not reaching out for now I understand hope can only be wished for. If I want the pin prick to stay I must live in the darkness.

Someone, please grant me hope.

Old Writings 3

Let me lie down.

Lay my head against its cold stone pillow and my body against the hard ground

Curl my body under the unforgiving weight of death.

Let darkness creep over me like a lovers body claiming its final kiss.

Hush now, No time for weeping…

The time has come…

Lie me down ne’er to wake again

Lie me down to sleep forever more.

Old Writings 2

Wake the dead. Rise up from you cold tombs. Let the sun warm you as you open your eyes to the new morning.

A new morning. Some say it’s a chance to start again. Really its just another day of hell. Walking, yet not feeling. Talking, yet not hearing. Smiling, yet crying.

Hide my tears. Close the window to my soul. Let not the pain and sorrow leak through the crevices.

Does anyone see the soul? Have the curtains been pulled tight enough to shutter the despair lurking behind them?

Bar the windows, Close your eyes. They are the window to your soul.

Old Writings 1

Memories last where words have gone to naught.

 Poignant they stay whether welcomed or scorned.

Always with feeling and usually a story. Quibbles and fights, giggles and smiles, but tears are the memories that will never fade. Friends and family try to understand but come up wanting.

Smiles on the lips, tears behind the eyes. Forever sad, forever alone.

To give in and die would be to break so many promises.

Learn to live in silence.

Hide behind the mask

No one will know.

Hide the pain.... hide the pain.