Crying doll

Tears fall unchecked.
Failure and hopelessness weigh heavy.
Oh to drink away my worries.
Struggling to keep my porcelain smile in place, glossy and streak free.

No choice but to follow my path, as if led by an invisible string.
I cannot choose any other, nor do I want to.
Slipping, falling, cannot get up.
Check the smile.

Praying that no one asks me.
Hoping no one will look in my eyes.
The light is fading.

Like a fire, it can be relit.
Can roar like a bonfire,
or simmer hot coals...

Hidden in the ashes, I'm still here.
Find me.
Save me.
Bring my spark back. You have the power.

In the middle

I'm somehow stuck in the middle.
I always have been.
Stuck between pretty and ugly, just average.
Stuck between smart and stupid, just average.
Stuck between happy and seriously depressed, just ho hum.

But because I'm in the middle I just want rage, but really I have nothing to rage about.
My life doesn't suck that badly.
I'm not completely ugly, I'm fairly good looking enough for having had two children and a miriad of health issues.
I'm not stupid, but not brilliant, just in the middle.
I'm not so depressed that I want to do anything stupid, but not happy enough to be happy.

What is wrong with me that I cannot just accept that I'm just me?
Be content with my flaws?
My inabilities?
The cookies will wait until next year.
The Christmas cards just get thrown away anyways.
Everyone knows I'm lying to them when I say I'm fine...

My wish box is empty... again... it always is.... Either my wish box has money in it and my marriage sucks or my wish box is empty and my marriage is living on alcohol. Its the only way.

The Path

I walk along my path, sometimes there are turns. Dips and potholes. Sometimes there are hills to climb leading to a beautiful vista. Always going on. Winding its way through life. Between trees, around lakes, next to gurgling streams but always leading on.

I may wish to sit and wait for someone to carry me, but I walk on. This is my choice. My choice isto be strong, to find out how strong I really am. To push on through the pain, to see what's on the other side of this hill. As I look up I see my soulmate just standing there waiting for me to reach out and take his hand. The promise of help and support shining through his blue eyes. My babies racing on ahead, busily exploring their world, learning and growing. My bestfriends are there too. All I had to do was look up and around me. I'm not alone on this path. For now our paths all walk side by side. 

Choices

I wish to blame so many others, but the blame falls upon myself. As it should with every person. We all make choices and must live with them. The good, the bad and the oh wells. 6 years ago about at this time of year I got "I Choose" permanently inked into my skin on my wrist to remind myself, I can blame no one else. I must choose my attitude, my life. If I dont like it, I must take it upon myself to change it, or accept it.

Today I had a meltdown. Whether it be from post-partum depression, fibromyalgia, lack of help around the house, or an angry toddler pushing all his limits... it was my own choice to let it get the better of me. It all came crashing down... I no longer have anything nice. Things that started out nice are no longer nice. Be it husband getting made and throwing it, slamming it, etc'ing it. Toddler who doesn't know better or too many cats. The cats are my own fault. I can't say no to one in need. But really we have too many. I have no backbone though I need to tell some people to move theirs along. I just can't do it anymore. I dont wear stillettos, pencil skirts or paint my nails. I drive a beat up ford with over 200K on it. No AC, no cd player, nothing automatic, no damn trunk button.

Enough with that. I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to CHOOSE my path. I can't change my husband, I married him for who he is, not for what I want him to be. My son will grow up too soon. The cats... They're just being cats.