Strength

Screaming silent tears drip down my face into my feather pillow beneath my head.

Darkness hides the telltale streaks lining my face.

Silencing the sniffles.

Hiding the pain.

 

Gods above give me strength I do not possess.

Make me strong in heart and mind.

Give me courage to face another day.

Let not my feelings be revealed through my soul.

 

 

I am a Viking

I will fight the battle before me.

Crying doll

Tears fall unchecked.
Failure and hopelessness weigh heavy.
Oh to drink away my worries.
Struggling to keep my porcelain smile in place, glossy and streak free.

No choice but to follow my path, as if led by an invisible string.
I cannot choose any other, nor do I want to.
Slipping, falling, cannot get up.
Check the smile.

Praying that no one asks me.
Hoping no one will look in my eyes.
The light is fading.

Like a fire, it can be relit.
Can roar like a bonfire,
or simmer hot coals...

Hidden in the ashes, I'm still here.
Find me.
Save me.
Bring my spark back. You have the power.

Too much

Silently screaming into my pillow.
Pain ripping through my body ending in blood.
My fingernails leave cresents deep into my skin.
My teeth leaving bruises along my wrists.

Must not make a sound.
Suppress the sobbing shudders.
The pain, it is too much.

I hope you know how much I love you.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me over and over and over, break my heart, I still love you.

I am the fool that thought you cared.

The fool that thought you meant to keep your promises.

The fool who loves you no matter how much you abuse me.

I am the fool and will always because I love you.

Porcelain Doll

Fragile like a porcelain doll.

Bright eyes, open wide holding back the tears.

Lips in a permanent smile, never to let the world know the pain.

Cracks held together by glue and hidden by dresses and hair.

Never to let the world know.

Fragile like a porcelain doll.

In the middle

I'm somehow stuck in the middle.
I always have been.
Stuck between pretty and ugly, just average.
Stuck between smart and stupid, just average.
Stuck between happy and seriously depressed, just ho hum.

But because I'm in the middle I just want rage, but really I have nothing to rage about.
My life doesn't suck that badly.
I'm not completely ugly, I'm fairly good looking enough for having had two children and a miriad of health issues.
I'm not stupid, but not brilliant, just in the middle.
I'm not so depressed that I want to do anything stupid, but not happy enough to be happy.

What is wrong with me that I cannot just accept that I'm just me?
Be content with my flaws?
My inabilities?
The cookies will wait until next year.
The Christmas cards just get thrown away anyways.
Everyone knows I'm lying to them when I say I'm fine...

My wish box is empty... again... it always is.... Either my wish box has money in it and my marriage sucks or my wish box is empty and my marriage is living on alcohol. Its the only way.

Dante

Numb, yet still in pain. Wishing to be numb.
No tears left to fall.
One small three letter word, such an easy question.
Without an easy answer...

why?